scattered

It has been a while, yet again! Life get's busy and I don't spend any of it writing anymore. Things have been good. Let me correct myself. Things have been good, because I choose to look at things in a positive light. Things are not always rainbows and sunshine for me (although I wish they were!) but I'm trying to stay positive about life in general. It's the only one I have. I think I tend to come across as though I am overly happy and enthusiastic about life most of the time, and I really do have my days in my head where I really don't feel that way. I think I'm at a phase in my life where I'm learning to not let things bother me that I have no control over. There are people in my life that I miss talking with, that seem to not have any time for me any more. That in particular has really been bringing me down for a while but I think I'm at a point now where it is what it is, and it will be what I make it to be. I can't control other people. I can't make someone want to spend time with me. I do have people who love me and want to spend time with me, and that is where I am putting all of my love and effort into. Anyway, kind of went on a tangent there. My bad!
I feel like there's a lot of pressure for me to have children. I am torn. I don't necessarily "want" to have a child. However, I feel like I'm a let down because it hasn't happened. I don't really know what else to say about it except that I'm conflicted. At this point, I'm comfortable with who I am and the decisions John and I have made in our lives. We're doing what we can with what we have. Someday, maybe?
I've been on this really intense music kick lately. Especially Third Eye Blind. This music speaks to me in ways I've never known. I think I'm most content to sit in my car and sing along to these songs that are always there for me. These lyrics have so many different meanings and I think that they mean something different to me every time I hear them. Slightly obsessed but I'm okay with it. :)
I don't know what God has planned for me. I feel disconnected in some ways and at the same time, I feel closer than I've ever been. Maybe that's the point. Not knowing...?

Thankful

I've had a lot going on lately. Sometimes I tend to over commit and end up signing up to do more things than I really should. On top of that, we're in the process of moving, which is a bit stressful. All that aside, I noticed a trend on Facebook in which people are posting something that they are thankful for every day. I like it, it's nice to read something positive on Facebook rather than all the usual negativity that tends to blossom there. It's almost like a breath of fresh air, and I wish that the trend could last longer. Anyway, that's where this blog is coming from. So without further ado, here's my list of things I'm thankful for in 2012:

1. I am thankful for God, Jesus, my savior. The one who truly loves me when I'm at my worst. Who died for me. Who is a mystery to me more and more every day. I can't put into words how thankful I am that there is someone out there bigger than I am.
2. I am thankful for my husband, John Richard Lindsey. He's such a great person. He always wants to do whats right and good, and has the most caring heart ever. I'm the luckiest girl in the world, he's my hero. :)
3. I am thankful for my sister. She's gone through a whole lot in her life, and she is the strongest girl I know. She's always there to listen to me when I need to be a debbie downer. She makes me laugh, she understands me more than anyone else could possibly and honestly I don't know what I'd do without her.
4. I am thankful for my family. I don't see them or talk to them as much these days, but I love them and am blessed to have such a supportive group of people in my life. They do so much for all of us and I am so appreciative of that.
5. I am thankful for my church family. They are a bunch of hilarious, crazy, shenanigan filled people and I just love them! They make me smile. They are a reminder to me of why I'm here and I am so happy to be able to serve with them.
6. I am thankful for my niece. She's the most beautiful, smart, and funny almost 2 year old I've ever seen. She's the most awesome little girl in the world and I can't express how in love with her I am! She inspires me in every sense of the word. Mia Marie you're the best!
7. I am thankful for my pets. Mad Martigan, Lola Anne Ethel, and Shmoo, (yes, even her). You have brought such joy and chaos into my life. You have shown me unfailing love (maybe not from Shmoo), and make me laugh all the time. My little cuddle buddies whom I am forever in debt to.
8. I am thankful for my job. It's challenging at times, it pushes me to try and be a better person than I want to be. It brings me such joy at times. I am thankful to have a job.
9. I am thankful for my coworkers. They're a loving bunch and it shows that they truly care about the kids we work with and they care for eachother.
10. I am thankful for my home. It's new to me and I'm excited for all the memories that will be made here.
11. I am thankful for the cars John and I have that get us to and from our jobs, as well as all over the state of New Hampshire or wherever else we feel like going.
12. I am thankful for friends. Friends make the world go round. Friends and family are a blurry line. I am so thankful to have such caring friends in my life.
13. I am thankful for the people of Haiti. The trip I went on last summer was life changing. The people I met in Haiti were some of the kindest and most giving people I have ever met in my entire life. Thinking about the Haitians and how loving they are really makes me put my life in perspective. The things that we dwell on here in America that are so trivial really don't make a difference in the big scheme of things. What matters most is loving our neighbors as ourselves. Whether that means your neighbor in Farmington, NH or your neighbor in Port Au Prince, Haiti, really doesn't make a difference. Caring for each other is the only thing that will get us through this life.
14. I am thankful for dance. It's such an expressive art form and it makes me feel alive. I may not be the best dancer, but I enjoy it and it brings me happiness. I am also thankful for the people I've met at my dance studio!
15. I am thankful for snow! It's magical.
16. I am thankful for sunshine. Warm sunny days. Summer time.
17. I am thankful for the beach and the ocean. I don't think there is a place in the world I'd rather be on a hot, summer day, than at the beach boogie boarding the day away.
18. I am thankful for this country and all the freedoms that come with living here. I take these things for granted a lot of the time.
19. I am thankful for super hot showers. Nothing quite like it.
20. I am thankful for music. Loud music. Good music. Music in the shower. Music in the car. All the time, everywhere, music makes things better for me. I am thankful that people make music and that I have the ability to hear, enjoy, and sing along to it.
21. I am thankful for my dad. He's the best dad in the world. He's a super hard worker and has always instilled in me that having a good work ethic is important. He's hilarious, he's caring, he loves to cook. He's all I could want in a father and I am blessed to call him mine.
22. I am thankful for my special k. She's like an angel sent to me, always has great advice, and has this ability to make you feel like everything is going to work out. She loves Christmas as much as I do!
23. I am thankful for Nancy. She has to be the most giving person I've ever met. She will just do anything to help out someone in need.
24. I am thankful for food pantries and soup kitchens, and organizations that take care of people who are having it rough.
25. I am thankful for GYG. The teens are just awesome and the leaders I serve with are some of the best friends I've ever had.
26. I am thankful for sour cream. Never have I enjoyed a dairy product so much as this one. Sour cream, you have gotten me through some intense spicy nacho binge eating times and am I ever thankful for you!
27. I am thankful for energy drinks. I know they're not the best thing to consume, but my goodness am I grateful that they exist.
28. I am thankful for bonfires with friends on summer nights.
29. I am thankful for 80s cover bands. Without them, I could only imagine in my head what it would be like to dance the night away to my favorite live 80's tunes.
30. I am thankful for whoever started the "Thankful November" posts on facebook. I never would have taken the time to think about all the things that I am thankful for if not for that person. It's amazing the things that we take for granted every day. I feel truly blessed.

And thats 30 things I'm thankful for. There are many more things I could have written. Many more specific people that I am thankful for. I think perhaps I should do this once a month as a way to keep my life in check. It's so easy to feel so down about life, about things you really can't change. I need to stop once in a while and look at the scenery. Life is beautiful, and I have so much to be thankful for.

ch..ch..changes...

Guess I'll write something, it's been almost a year. I have to say, that this has been a year filled with so much change and craziness, it's hard to handle. I may be just saying that because I'm currently in the midst of change. It always seems to be a bigger deal while your going through it, right? I guess most of it has to do with work. And what I even want to do with my life. And actually, what does God want me to do with my life? These are questions I probably should have considered many years ago. I guess I'm a late bloomer. Anyway, I guess the issue I'm having is that I'm not sure I'm in the right place anymore. I'm not entirely sure if I mean the right workplace or the right career path, but either way, I'm confused and overwhelmed when it comes to this part of my life. Things have happened at my job that have made me almost certain that I don't want to be there anymore. I'm not going into specifics, that's not my style. Just know that I've put a lot of thought into this, and I'm not basing my decisions off of any one particular event or emotion that I had. This thought has been in the back of my mind for some time now, and I think I've been ignoring it. I can't anymore. I think that my passion for my job has dwindled, and I'm not happy, nor do I feel very comfortable anymore. (or sometimes even welcome). I think I need some advice, but I don't know who to go to. I'm really at a loss. It's like I want someone to just tell me what to do, and make these decisions for me. That's not going to happen, and it shouldn't happen. I'm an adult and I should be able to do this on my own, and yet the thought of change is terrifying to me. I'm caught in a vicious cycle of wishing to change things but being to scared to actually make things happen. So..I'm making an attempt to change things. I've updated my resume, I've applied to a few places. I've requested some info from a college, about a career path that is not early childhood education (gasp!). I've started this, but I'm worried that I'll give up when it gets difficult or confusing, and just continue down the path I'm on that seems to be a bit of a train wreck for me, both physically and mentally. I guess what I'm trying to say is I need help. Not a little, but a lot. I need encouragement that I can do this. I need prayer, because I know that by myself, I can't do anything. I need advice. I don't really have a clue what I'm doing.......it's like driving with no idea what general direction you need to be headed in. So please...if you're reading this...pray for me..thanks :)

3eb and easter hooray!

I'm really excited to report that I'm going to see Third Eye Blind in concert next Friday. I thought we weren't going to go because we're going to see Tesla, and thats a lot of money...but my awesome husband surprised me with tickets for my birthday (early present!)! So Excited. Can't wait. So also Easter is on sunday. which is very exciting. We're having our first ever Easter service at the Farmington Town hall this year and its gonna be fantastic i'm sure. I love our group of regular farmington volunteers. Fun times!! And awesome people! Oh lets see what else is new. Oh, well I had a mole that was "moderate atypia", and had to have a chunk of skin removed and get stitches from it, which were just removed yesterday! Let me tell you, stitches are so annoying and itchy!! But they're gone now and I am thankful for that. Now I get to go to the skin doctor once a year or more depending on if they find any more suspicious artifacts on my polka-dotted body. Fun times. Gotta wear that spf...hmm my baby niece is already 3 months old! And she is absolutely gorgeous and the best lil baby in the whole world!! And I wish I could see her more!! So darn busy ALL the time and I just want to hang out with that little bundle of joy!! I'll hafta work on that. I feel like I just can't keep up with everything thats going on, and that I'm always either forgetting something or missing out on something. Its terrible. It's like some days I only come home just to go to bed. Craziness! It's my own fault though. I can't say no to anyone. Gotta work on that....Anyways, didn't really have anything super important to write, just felt like writing. Happy Easter!

sometimes...

I'm really excited because TESLA is playing in Hampton in May. I really can't wait. I have big plans to get Jeff Keith to sign my peace bandana. Seriously. It's gonna be crazy. Also, well actually I guess thats it. Oh. I'm going to Haiti in July. I'm not sure if I wrote that before. I was really almost anti-going to haiti but here i am, already paid for, and already got a plane ticket. funny how things work out, isn't it? i think it will be a good thing. they do need a lot of help still. and thats what we'll be doing, helping. And i hate it when people say that people in america need help and why are we going to haiti. I'm very aware that people in america need help too. Very aware. And I feel like we do a lot to help out here all the time! Really! So that's all I have to say about that. I just have to wonder what they would say if they actually went to Haiti and saw the state of living down there. I know people have it bad here to, and I know theres poverty here...but i think it's on a whole different level there. Anywho, that's all I have to say about that. What else....I don't know. Sometimes I feel really stupid. I guess everybody does at times....but I just do stupid stuff all the time. I guess it's alright though. You know, I don't really have much that I'm thinking about writing right now, at least nothing that I would want to write down for the world to read.....so thats about all i'm gonna say for now..

I'm still hopefull for 2011

We're only a month and 5 days into the new year...and i will say it started out well, better then the fish dog episode of 2010..we hung out with some good friends and went to portsmouth for the first night festivities, which was pretty fun! We've had some pretty intense snow storms already this year, which always seem to fall on Wednesdays. Those have been exciting...and also a little overwhelming! So much snow! Everywhere! It's hard to see out of the driveway, kind of like a guessing game where you hope for the best as you back out! Anyways, what else. oh yes! Baby Mia has arrived! January 21st, 2011 at 3:25 am she came into the world! And she sure is precious! I'm also happy to report that Mia and hare are doing very well and very healthy! :) And also, it's such a wierd feeling to be an auntie, but it's a feeling i very much enjoy! more than anything really! John and I have had quite a rough couple of weeks...with all the snow he hasn't been having work as much which kind of puts a strain on our finances. and it seems like our house is just falling apart at the seams! Our pipes froze last week and we had no water, and thankful my dad, bill, and my grandfather helped to fix the situation. i don't know what we would have done without them, we don't know anything about those kinds of things. and now apparently we need new heat tape...and also, the hot water heater just broke and started leaking everywhere! and now there are lumps in the floor. which i feel is probably a bad thing for the future. I'm envisioning the bedroom floor rotting out or something terrible. But actually, as we speak, john and bill are working on putting in a new heater and getting some new wood to put around it. bill to the rescue again! he's awesome. Oh and i also forgot to mention that we ran out of oil during the last snow storm, and the oil people weren't sending trucks out that day due to the weather. The big storm day was the day we were due to get an oil delivery! gah! feels like everything just keeps going wrong. like we're going up the river without a paddle. i just hope everything starts to chill out soon. i don't know how much more i can handle! Anyway. It's only february 5th...so i'm hopeful we just had a rough month and now things will start to get better. I try to stay optimistic but sometimes i just start feeling really sad about stuff you know? And I also feel like a let down a lot of the time...but whatever. things are bound to get better, right?

feeling a little psychotic

well, it was one of those things that was talked about a lot, but it didn't really have real meaning to me until last night. john is now in haiti with a group of people from our church, and i'm a little beside myself. i really think it's great that they're going down there to help out and bring supplies and share God's love with the people there, and i'm super proud of them. I just didn't think it would be this hard on my end...i miss john so much already and it's only monday... i've been carrying my phone around with me like it's my prized possession and checking my facebook ten million times an hour...just waiting and hoping for something else from him...i haven't heard from him since they got to haiti and i'm just hoping they got there safely and everything...i'm just worried...my best friend is halfway across the world away from me...and i know its good that he's doing...but i feel like i need him so much...this makes me realize just how much i take him for granted...i can't wait for him to come home...